The sun was out, threatening to burn my corneas through the window. It would’ve been a beautiful day if not for the stench of rotten meat that invaded the room. So I sprayed the kitchen with the can of air freshener I found in one of the cupboards. The space around me smelled like rotten meat, with a touch of Ocean Mist.
I was looking to stockpile more instant coffee, my feet bringing me to a two-story residence in Maupuia. It was roughly 45 minutes walking distance from my hideout in Miramar. 30 if you run. My quest for caffeine made me run.
Thud. Upstairs. My ninja senses were on edge, tingling in anticipation. Fight or flight.
I went to investigate. I could feel the creaking of the stairs in my teeth. Bedroom door on one side of the hallway, bathroom in the end. Eenie meenie minie moe.
I threw open a closet door instead. And came face to face with a giant teddy bear, its paws the size of my face. I stifled a scream. Holy shit, I saw those things at The Warehouse during Christmas sales but I didn’t think anyone really bought them.
Movement to my right. No, behind me! What the fuck? Why were my ninja senses failing me?
Lady in a floral dress. Long, blonde, ratty hair, needed a washing real bad. Not that it mattered, all of her was wanting more than a washing – may I suggest a power hosing?
Behind her, I spied a small door with a lock that was no longer locked. The wood has splintered from someone beating on it with their fists for days. That someone stood before me, foaming at the mouth and looking really angry. But if my left eye was drooping down my chin like hers were at that moment, I’d be furious too.
Before I could swing my crow bar, she lunged at me. I evaded by backing away and lost my footing on the top of the stairs. The contents of my backpack scattered down below. A pack of Snickers and a box of Band Aids. Plus two cans of Spam. Spoils from today’s early morning hoard.
Miss Floral Dress came at me again, clutched a fistful of my shirt, revealed her canines. Nice teeth, must have had an excellent dental plan.
As her head came down in an attempt to take a chunk out of me, my brain screamed, FIGHT FIGHT FIIIIIIIGHT!
So I pushed her down the stairs.
Wrong move. She rolled on the floor, barring my exit to the front door, and unintentionally kicked one Spam under a 3-seater.
So not cool. Questionable meat in tinned containers were essential to my Grab & Go Kit list.
Heart pounding, I shoved the fear to a box in my mind that I could open at a later date. I picked up my fallen goods and raced to retrieve the precious item from beneath the couch.
I felt a slobber on my shoulder. I got hold of the luncheon meat with my right hand. Crow bar on the left, aiming to crack the Twitcher’s skull. Too close. Then she swatted away my weapon. Oops.
I reached for the nearest thing I could grasp from the coffee table on the side. A paperback. How It All Vegan! Irresistible Recipes for an Animal-Free Diet.
Dammit, where’s a hefty hardbound when you needed it the most?
I used the book to block the gnashing teeth coming my way. Shoved hard, dove for my crow bar and wasted the bitch with a single thrust through an eye socket, into the brain. Eat your heart out, Sarah Connor.
Later on my way home, I couldn’t help but admire the infected vegan’s tenacity and conviction.
Even in death, she did not want me to get that can of Spam.
— RECIPE —
- 340 grams (1 tin) SPAM, cut into 1 cm cubes
- 3 (size 7) EGGS, lightly beaten
- 2 tablespoons PEANUT OIL
- 2 medium SHALLOTS, sliced or diced
- 1 or 2 cloves GARLIC, minced
- 7 grams (1 teaspoon) BUTTER
- 650 grams (4 cups) cooked WHITE RICE, roughly equivalent to 250 grams or 1 cup of uncooked RICE
- 1 teaspoon SALT FLAKES *(I used Maldon Smoked Sea Salt Flakes)
- 4 tablespoons KETJAP MANIS SAUCE
- 1/2 teaspoon SESAME OIL
- 2 tablespoons WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE
- 100 grams (1 cup) frozen VEGETABLES (corn, peas & carrots)
- 3 stalks SPRING ONION, sliced at an oblique angle
Heat 1 tablespoon of peanut oil in a large non-stick wok. Cook the eggs until almost set, then set aside.
Add another tablespoon of peanut oil into the wok, and cook the Spam pieces until crispy. Set aside.
Add the butter to the wok, followed by the shallots and garlic. Mix around with a spatula for around 3 minutes before dumping in the rice. *Note: I mostly use chilled overnight rice (say jasmine or short grain), unless it is long grain. I use those immediately after cooking because it doesn't clump even freshly out of the stove top.
Season the rice with salt, to taste. Intermittently combining all the ingredients with the spatula.
Throw in the frozen vegetables. After 5 minutes, pour in the sesame oil, Ketjap Manis, and Worcestershire sauce.
Put the egg back in, slicing it into strips with the spatula while stirring.
Put the spam pieces back in the wok too. Then add the spring onions by the end of cooking.
Turn off the heat, transfer to bowls or plates.
* Serve with a fried egg on top, or with cherry tomatoes on the side.